Yesterday I was in the middle of writing a post that looked very different from my attitude this morning. Lately I’ve been feeling scared about my future and I’ve been worrying a lot about my past, especially in the sense that my relationships usually don’t work out well for me; even in friendships people tend to walk away from me like I never meant a thing to them. Anyway to give you a feel for what I had been writing, this is what I had so far:
“We ask 18 year olds to make huge decisions about their futures when they had to raise their hand to go to the bathroom just yesterday.
I’m always seeing things like this posted all over Facebook and I start to wonder why? Why are we forced out of high school into deciding exactly what we want to do with the rest of our lives? I frankly am not ready to decide or, honestly, to grow up this quickly. I miss the days when all I had to do was get in my car and drive to one building for a few hours. My classes were all pretty basic, they weren’t too challenging, and I was comfortable for the most part. College is better than high school in the sense that I’m getting a taste of the “real world” while still maintaining the safety net that my parents are two short hours (but some days it feels worlds) away. My problems in high school were mainly boys, some short papers, a few tests, and occasionally bitchy girls, but for the most part I didn’t have to make huge life-altering decisions. Now that I’m about to finish my freshman year of college, I find myself wondering what I even want out of life.
I won’t lie to you guys, I’m scared. I don’t know exactly what career I want… right now I’m a Political Science major, but I’m not sure that I want to do this for the rest of my life. All I know is that someday I want to be successful enough to give my children a good life and to be completely finically independent. I never want to have to rely on someone else to get me by. Lately I’ve just been wondering if I have a place in this world, or if maybe my time here has run its course. I know these aren’t the purist or most positive of thoughts, but I sometimes contemplate whether I’d rather have people remember me as an 18 year old girl making her way through college with a lot of potential or as a lonely, poverty stricken old woman. Which image do I want my death to give off, you know? I would hate to say that I’m suicidal, but it just strikes me that maybe that solution is a better one. I just want to be successful and happy, I want to be doing something with my life. Right now I’m basically wasting time and money in college trying to figure out exactly what it is that I want to do, I’m spending my days stressing about assignments to which I’m not sure if I care about the final grades anyway. Just a month prior to wrapping up the year I have an A or a B in all of my four classes, but for what? This week I’m supposed to go see my advisor and talk about scheduling classes for next year, but how am I supposed to do that when I’m not sure what I want to do with my future? It’s an awful lot of pressure to put on an 18 year old girl, don’t you think?
I’m stressing out, really badly. The worst part of it all is that in high school when I was stressed out I would go talk to my mom and she would make everything a little better… now I’m forced to Facetime her when things get difficult in my life. Two hours seemed like the perfect distance away form home….”
And that’s all I had before I got a text from my mom that said, “Come let us in.” Who knew that four little words could change everything? Who knew that four words could make your attitude do a complete 180? And, the best part of it all, was that I think she read my mind two hours in advance because I was literally typing that I miss having her around in person when she got to my residence hall. So I got my coat and ran down stairs, out into the parking, and she stepped out of her car. I hugged her so tightly and never really wanted to let go. Then I saw my best friend in the backseat, even better. They had traveled two hours to surprise me because I have been so stressed about the future and all of the papers I have due in the next month.
They arrived around 2:30 and, until my test at 5:10, we had nothing to do except drive around, stop at a CVS for paper plates and a few other small items, and hangout. Then my mom dropped me off at the right building for my test and they waited for me to be done, which only took until 5:20. After class they took me to dinner and, in the bathroom when we were alone, my mom hugged me and told me to stop worrying so much about the future. She said that all I need to do is focus on my life semester-by-semester and class-by-class. I’m not sure why, but just hearing her say that made me feel so much better about everything. After dinner, we ate some cake that Jami had prepared (it was delicious) and headed back to my dorm. Much to my surprise instead of just dropping me off, they came in for awhile to hangout with my roommate and me. It was so much fun having them here, it was as if this building became a whole new place.
When it finally came time for them to leave, I wasn’t sad about it, it was okay. I hugged them both and began to study for the government test I have today but, instead of freaking out about it, I sliced it in to small, manageable chunks of time. I studied for 30 minutes, took a shower, and then studied for 30 more. After that it was finally time for bed so I laid down and fell asleep pretty quickly. This morning I woke up hours before my alarm and am actually typing this before it goes off. I still have a little over an hour (: I’m just in such a great mood today because my mom was right, I just need to take everything one day at a time, I can’t let my load get too heavy and I can’t allow myself to freak out quite so much.
So if you’re by some miracle still reading this post, go out there and conquer the world one step at a time. You can do anything as long as you go about it the right way. Stop letting yourself get so worked up by putting everything you have to do in a giant pile and just looking at it, pick a few things off of the pile and start to do them. Only focus on one item at a time, and remember that it’s better to get some of it done than none of it. That’s my advice for the day.