I wouldn’t lose him, I told myself as I picked out the perfect outfit. I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist the way my butt looked in those pants and the way the light would hit my lip gloss. Honestly, I told myself that the problem was attraction- but it turns out that wasn’t it at all. I had missed the entire point of the break up. It didn’t hit me until he was saying the words, “I love you, I care about you, you’re an amazing girl, you’re super hot, you’re beautiful, but I don’t like you.” That’s when it hit me that I was really losing him. The worst thing about that is that right after he said it, it wasn’t that bad anymore. I wasn’t freaking out and sobbing that he wasn’t mine… the hard part was thinking about him being with someone else.
I told myself that if you love something, you let it go; if it comes back, it’s yours and if it doesn’t, it never was. But what it if it leaves you and finds someone better than you? What if it has sex with that person? That’s another thing that makes it especially hard. A break up after eight months and losing your virginity- that’s tough stuff. It really didn’t take long for me to feel okay about us not being together though, I can learn to accept that. My mind always comes back to other girls touching him, kissing him, letting him into their hearts, him letting them into his.. what if she’s prettier than me? Smarter than me? More caring? More affectionate? Funnier? Cooler? Sexier? It bothers me. He was my first with almost everything. He wasn’t my first boyfriend but he was my first REAL relationship. He wasn’t my first kiss or make out, but he was my first with everything else. I gave him my heart but I didn’t give him all of the attention I could have.
You know… this isn’t about me moping around and thinking a lot about my mistakes in the relationship. I wasn’t perfect, but I was a good girlfriend to him. It’s just that I don’t want to be just another girl to him because I know he’ll never be just another guy to me. I don’t want him to be with someone else and think she’s better.
But this is just high school, life will go on. Someday I’ll be married and have kids and I’ll look back on this thinking about how great it was to have my first real relationship, how stupid it was that I cried so much, and how I’ll never forget it but God had a plan for me. As Garth Brooks said, “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” ❤ For once the tears running down my face aren’t sad, they’re tears of letting go and of understanding. I have to smile as I’m typing and feeling the water on my cheeks. I understand that in the big picture this isn’t a huge deal, someday I’ll probably be telling my kids all about that relationship- probably when they’re crying and thinking that life is ruined. It isn’t ruined just because one guy doesn’t want to be romantically involved with you anymore. Another chapter in my life has ended but this time, perhaps for the first time, it ended on a good note. I have hope for my future, for the things I’ll accomplish, and for the people I meet. If he’s meant to be in my life, that’s awesome… if not, well, I just have to accept that God knows what he’s doing.
Rest assured loyal readers, I will be falling asleep with a smile on my face and hope on my mind. I love you all ❤