Today was the worst kind of day. You probably won’t expect what I’m going to say and, honestly, you may not fully understand it. I haven’t thought much about Ethan at all, I’m not even sure how long ago we broke up (haha). But today I was in Journalism and got all of my stories in for the school paper because the deadline is tomorrow. The editor, Jasmine, came up to me after class and said, “Sydney, I’m mad at you for not being in here last year. You’re so good at this.” It made me feel so special and like I have talent, my self-esteem even raised a few points. Then this sinking feeling set in and I felt just a tiny bit of water building in my eyes.
Every other time someone in journalism had said something like that to me, or for that matter anytime I had any kind of good news, I would run down the hallway seeking to find that familiar face. I would excitedly explain to him what had happened and he listened to me with a smile. I could see it in his eyes that he was proud of me, you know? It’s hard to think that he isn’t proud of me anymore… or that he doesn’t even care.
I know he rarely even crosses my mind, but it hurts that I don’t cross his. I wish he cared about me, missed me, wondered about me… and today, for that split second, all I wanted was to be able to share my good news and happiness with him. I’m so happy with my life right now but I have no one to run to, no one to tell about it. It hurts. It really, really hurts.
But here’s the good news, I have friends and a loving family which I can tell all of these things to, I have a blog which I can vent all of this nonsense, an most importantly, I have a God who will always be proud of me and always willing to listen to my good news, as well as the bad news. I’m lucky, I’m blessed… truly, I am. I have no reason to get upset and, when I think about it that way, it doesn’t seem bad at all. I have everything a girl could want and I even have my smile still intact. So, while today wasn’t what I wanted and I had to experience those few moments of pain, it was just one more reminder of how lucky I really am. ❤