Merry Ex-mas.

Honestly, if your name is Ethan, stop reading this now. I’m serious; close out of it and just move on with your life, though I’m not sure why you’re still checking in on me anyways. Normally I wouldn’t care if you read my posts, I have nothing to hide, but this is one of those days I’ve experienced many times before. In the past it’s been about different guys, other exes, and a similar, yet different situation. I’ve gone through it with Brad, Jon, even Chris… so now it’s your turn.

I never thought I’d have to be here… sitting around listening to my Pandora Country Love Songs playlist, trying to find something that explains it for me. Then, on my way home from school, it happened: this song came on that really hit me hard and I started to cry. In the first verse there are two lines I could really relate to, 1. “Finally got over that song of ours.” 2. “And I can finally smell your perfume and not look around the room for you, and I can walk right by your picture in a frame and not feel a thing.” From there, I really started listening to the words and what I heard just made it feel more like Keith Anderson was singing my feelings. Exhibit B, the chorus: “But when I hear your name, I feel rain fallin’ right out of the blue sky. And it’s the fifth of May, and I’m right there starin’ in your eyes. And nothin’s changed, and we’re still same.And I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss, and I’m hangin’ on to every word rollin’ off of your lips: And that’s all it takes, and I’m in that place, Every time I hear your name.”

I can’t even believe I’m posting this, I just couldn’t let it all build up anymore. It’s killing me that Christmas is in a few days and I can’t buy you a present, I can’t kiss you under the mistletoe, I can’t hold your hand around the zoolights, I can’t snuggle up with you and drink hot chocolate. I just hate that I loved you so much and in the matter of a week you had given up on me completely- you looked me right in the eyes and said, “I just don’t like you anymore.” Do you know how much that hurts? Do you know how many rips and tears are in my heart? I’m dying over here… For a good few months I was fine and then this comes up. It’s supposed to be “merry” this just isn’t a happy time of year without the only guy who really understood me. I thought we were perfect for each other.

I’d do anything to have those beautiful brown eyes looking at me again in the way they always used to. Now when I see you walking down the hallway, you just look out of it. I miss that laugh, the way you emphasize when you rap, the way your hand fit into mine, how great you were with little kids (and how much you love your baby sister), the long texts you used to send, you showering at my house, how every time I was sick you came over to bring/make me food, how you knew me so well… I just miss US.

I still remember our first kiss. My friends had all abandoned me, I was crying and my mom told me to go hangout with someone and get out of the house. I told her that I had no one left to turn to and she suggested you- at first, I thought she was crazy.. especially since you’re the reason my friends were mad, then I asked you. We were supposed to go to a movie, but I didn’t want to.. then bowling, but I changed my mind again. We ended up at Big Lots and you were perfectly fine with that. We ran around the store having fun and being stupid together. On the way home I had to stop for gas. I got back in the truck and you had my credit card in your hand, you held it on the other side of you as I attempted to grab it, then we were so close and our lips touched. We pulled into the McDonald’s parking lot next to the gas station to eat, but it took about half an hour for us to get out of the car. All I wanted was one more kiss.. and then one more.. until it took forever.

I still remember when you had to sleepover a few nights in a row because your power was out. We had so much fun playing cards and staying up late. I wouldn’t trade those days for anything.. I just miss things like that.

Another thing I’ll never forget is that night… the night when we gave each other the biggest give there is to give, you all know what I’m talking about. There was so much passion and, before I knew it, we were in my room. I was nervous but I was ready. I felt so safe in your arms, so comfortable. Let’s refer to the song again, “And when the conversation turns to you, I get caught in a ‘you were the only one for me’, Kinda thought, and your face is all that I see. I know I can’t go back but I still go back. And there we are, parked down by the riverside, and I’m in your arms about to make love for the first time, and that’s all it takes, and I’m in that place, every time I hear your name.”

Of all my relationships, this one means the most to me. I could see myself marrying you eventually… I really could. When we broke up, you literally broke my heart. I’ve started trying harder on my appearance, I have to wear make-up now or I just worry that I’m not good enough. I know you said that wasn’t why we broke up but I just feel so inadequate. There are three guys who like me- they’re all awesome, but they aren’t you. Moving on is harder than just having someone to move on to..

Okay… Merry Christmas everyone! I’m sorry for another vent session!

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