Much Needed Venting.

There was a break up, right? All of you know that by now, I’ve done more than enough rambling, complaining, crying, and accepting of that on this blog. I’m sure by now you may have seen the words “break up” and bailed- I probably would have. But, alas, this isn’t about the break up itself (sorry for using that rotten ‘B’ word again) I’m about to tell you about the moving on aspect… because, let’s all face it, that’s the real problem.

When we broke up I knew in that moment that I would need to move on, find a new guy to not only fill Ethan’s shoes, but to replace them- improve upon them. I promised myself that I wouldn’t move on out of spite or to try to make him jealous, instead I would wait until the right guy came along. He was going to have to sweep me off my feet and make me feel like we were right for each other… and so, a few weeks later a guy came along. This guy was one of my exes, one that I probably shouldn’t have broken up with in the first place; he’s handsome, he’s sweet, he has the ability to do something stupid one minute then turn around and make your heart melt the next. In case you weren’t aware, that’s a dangerous concoction. We started talking again and I fell back into that same old trap that got me a year ago- I was happy. As soon as I told myself that this was that guy it started to come back to me, the reason it couldn’t work for us was that he’s too into substances to really be committed. It’s okay, he’s a great guy and I was lucky to have him but he isn’t the guy I need him to be. So now I’m talking to a brand new guy; I didn’t do anything, he 100% came to me… that’s what I’m looking for. This guy is smart, he’s funny, he’s got a personality a lot like mine, he’s a bit of a shoe freak, he knows how to have fun, he loves his family, and, most importantly, he can make me smile at my phone like an idiot when we text. I’ve known him for almost four years and, at first, I had a major crush. We haven’t talked much in probably two years but now, here we are. You may be wondering two things right about now: 1. Is he THAT guy? 2. Why did I start this post talking about a “problem”?

What I can tell you is that I’ve been thinking a lot today… asking myself if I’m sure I like him, racking through all of my doubts, worrying about every little detail. Then it hit me. I’m not worried whether I like him or not, obviously I do. I’m wondering about all of these stupid little things because I’m scared of getting back out there. It’s not that I’m comparing him to Ethan, like he has to stack up against my ex, that isn’t it at all. What I’m worried about is a bit more complex than that. I’m worried about what happens if I date him, if I love him like I loved Ethan, if I get attached… what happens when he breaks my heart or when we have to go to separate colleges? What happens when another boy I thought I really knew switches up the game on me and rips out a piece of my heart as a souvenir? What happens when I let someone in again… what happens when one more guy decides that they need to push the right buttons to get to me? All of those names and hurtful phrases will be pulled once again from the how-to-really-hurt-Sydney file. I’m scared and that’s the truth. There are a few guys I’m interested in, this one in particular but I’m so scared to let one in…


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2 thoughts on “Much Needed Venting.

  1. You know, I’m just like you. I had a girl who I thought was the greatest thing that ever happened to me until she ripped my heart out. It’s really scary to put all of your emotion into one person. I tried going after someone else, which ended up lasting five days. It actually got to the point where I thought what am I doing with my life? Women are poison. I’ll never be happy. I’m so alone. But you know, I reevaluated things. I realized that being single is more than not having a significant other. It’s being strong enough to be happy on your own.

    • justonegirl says:

      It’s funny that you say that because the guy I was starting to like again randomly started acting weird so we only talked for about a week. I’m over all of that now and, like I said, I’m waiting for the right guy to come to me. Until that day comes I will remain single- doing it all on my own. I don’t mind that though, it’s actually kind of nice to be able to do whatever you want! (: I hope you find the right girl!

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