Feel free to skip to the (*) unless you happen to be my grandparents or just enjoy an angry rant from time to time! (:
I did something stupid two nights ago and, because my grandparents have decided that it’s okay to deny me any privacy (I found my blog up on their computer a few weeks ago which REALLY pissed me off), I’m afraid I can’t tell you the whole story. Before I begin, do you even know how upset I am that I opened my grandparents’ laptop only to see “Just One Girl” across the screen? I can’t communicate to you the feelings of violation, anger, sadness, and confusion I felt. There’s no way that they could have found my blog… there are a total of three people who I’ve ever allowed to see my blog. None of them would have any contact with my grandparents, so I have no idea how they found it. The thing that upsets me the most is that I made a Myspace and my mom demanded that I add her as a friend, I made a facebook and my entire family hopped on board even though I didn’t want to add any of them, then I started twitter (I was alone for awhile because it wasn’t popular yet but soon everyone was following me and my grandmother decided it was acceptable for her to stalk my profile and point out cussing, ect. to my mom -_-), and now a blog. I made this blog for ONE MAIN REASON, so I could finally vent my private thoughts to people who could give me advice that don’t actually know me or have any ties to my life. I’m irritated as FUCK (your welcome grandma) that my privacy has been FUCKING taken from me. All I wanted was one FUCKING GOD DAMN place to vent, get advice, and talk about my life without my family or peers knowing about it.
*Anyways, back to the original point of my post. My friends and I went camping for spring break. I ended up calling my ex-bestfriend Jason… I know I shouldn’t have, but I did.
Background information: When I was a sophomore I dated a guy who was friends with this guy named Jason, he was kind of chubby but he was hilarious and always made me laugh but he was extremely anti-social. I would always joke around with him and tell him that one day we’d be bestfriends, once I even said, “I’ll make you my boyfriend someday!” which caused everyone to laugh because the idea seemed so far fetched. Anyways, that guy and I had a horrible break up and I moved on to other guys. Somehow, and I don’t remember exactly how it happened, Jason and I started talking again and, overtime, we actually did become friends. He opened up to me, I saw a side of him I never would have imagined, and I learned exactly why he is the way he is. I tried to help him get this girl he liked as he tried to help me with Ethan. After Ethan and I broke up, Jason began to act a little differently toward me, he called me beautiful, he wanted to hangout even more.. then my Aunt who works with one of Jason’s friend’s mom told me that Jason had been talking to David about me, that he liked me and really thought I was beautiful. (And just a quick side-bar: back to the “chubby” thing, when we became friends Jason was actually reallllly fit, I’m talking buff as can be. I couldn’t find the picture I took of how huge his arms are but I assure you, he’s sexy as hell.)
By the time Jason told me how he felt up-front, I was struggling between the feelings I’d started to have for him and the brokenness I felt inside after my breakup, I told him that I liked him.. I just wasn’t ready. That was the truth. We went from hanging out every day to not talking at all, which continued for two weeks. Eventually, I got sick of thinking about him all the time and missing him, I sat down to think through all of my feelings. I’d been falling in love with him all along, he meant everything to me, and I knew I wanted to be with him. So I told him that. I expected that he would be happy and that even if he needed a little time, we’d be together. I thought it would all work out like a fairy tale. I was wrong. Jason informed me that “after he saw that there was no chance” he had completely shut off all of his feelings for me; I didn’t even know what to do. I spent a whole day just sitting in my room. Not crying, not screaming- just sitting there, thinking and letting it all sink in. I agreed to still be friends but when we hung out, it was awkward. The flirting we’d ALWAYS done suddenly felt one-sided, I felt like absolute worthless shit and I needed it to stop. Therefore, I completely cut off our communication. So I’ve been living without my best friend for some time now… people always tell me that they thought we had a thing, that they had noticed us constantly flirting, that they were hoping we’d end up together. Still to this day, probably 2+ months later, people say these things to me and I don’t know how to respond. I’ve made several plans of things I could do to show him I care but they all seem pointless. When I agreed to hangout with him those last few times, he told me that there was a chance he could gain his feelings back but that he could guarantee anything. I didn’t see it turning around for me, all I could foresee was more pain.
So two nights ago I called him. I walked away from my campsite and away from my friends, off into the cold. I sat down and I could still see/hear them having a good time by the fire as I heard his voice in my ear. I let everything out… I told him exactly how I feel about him. I don’t remember my exact words, but I told him that I miss him, that I regret not being with him, and that I want another chance. He told me the same thing he’d said before, he said he missed me and wants to be friends again but that he can’t guarantee that his feelings will come back. After I got off the phone I walked back and cried in my (male) friend’s arms. I didn’t say anything, I just bawled my eyes out and he held me and assured that he’d help me make it work. He said, “I always thought you guys were going to be together, I know you really like him and I think it will happen.” but I don’t believe him. Jason also said that he’s going to prom with his friend Ashley… I’m praying to God that they’re just friends. The next day he texted me and asked if I still wanted to start hanging out again and a few texts in he reminded me that he couldn’t guarantee anything. It upset me but I told him yes.
The most important part of this blog post is that I don’t have any idea what to do. Whenever I have an issue, I turn to you guys and I always get the answers I need. It’s amazing having people who don’t feel the need to sugarcoat things just to make me happy, it’s just pure honesty. So what should I do? Do you think I should hangout with him? Do you think I have a chance? Is it worth it? Should I play it cool or act like I truly like him? The only advice my friends have given me is to avoid the name Ethan all together, they think that he still likes me (which because I know him very well and know his past and such, I doubt) but that he was really hurt by me not being ready for another relationship. I just really need some help.