We all need a little guidance sometimes.

Feel free to skip to the (*) unless you happen to be my grandparents or just enjoy an angry rant from time to time! (: 

I did something stupid two nights ago and, because my grandparents have decided that it’s okay to deny me any privacy (I found my blog up on their computer a few weeks ago which REALLY pissed me off), I’m afraid I can’t tell you the whole story. Before I begin, do you even know how upset I am that I opened my grandparents’ laptop only to see “Just One Girl” across the screen? I can’t communicate to you the feelings of violation, anger, sadness, and confusion I felt. There’s no way that they could have found my blog… there are a total of three people who I’ve ever allowed to see my blog. None of them would have any contact with my grandparents, so I have no idea how they found it. The thing that upsets me the most is that I made a Myspace and my mom demanded that I add her as a friend, I made a facebook and my entire family hopped on board even though I didn’t want to add any of them, then I started twitter (I was alone for awhile because it wasn’t popular yet but soon everyone was following me and my grandmother decided it was acceptable for her to stalk my profile and point out cussing, ect. to my mom -_-), and now a blog. I made this blog for ONE MAIN REASON, so I could finally vent my private thoughts to people who could give me advice that don’t actually know me or have any ties to my life. I’m irritated as FUCK (your welcome grandma) that my privacy has been FUCKING taken from me. All I wanted was one FUCKING GOD DAMN place to vent, get advice, and talk about my life without my family or peers knowing about it. 

*Anyways, back to the original point of my post. My friends and I went camping for spring break. I ended up calling my ex-bestfriend Jason… I know I shouldn’t have, but I did.

Background information: When I was a sophomore I dated a guy who was friends with this guy named Jason, he was kind of chubby but he was hilarious and always made me laugh but he was extremely anti-social. I would always joke around with him and tell him that one day we’d be bestfriends, once I even said, “I’ll make you my boyfriend someday!” which caused everyone to laugh because the idea seemed so far fetched. Anyways, that guy and I had a horrible break up and I moved on to other guys. Somehow, and I don’t remember exactly how it happened, Jason and I started talking again and, overtime, we actually did become friends. He opened up to me, I saw a side of him I never would have imagined, and I learned exactly why he is the way he is. I tried to help him get this girl he liked as he tried to help me with Ethan. After Ethan and I broke up, Jason began to act a little differently toward me, he called me beautiful, he wanted to hangout even more.. then my Aunt who works with one of Jason’s friend’s mom told me that Jason had been talking to David about me, that he liked me and really thought I was beautiful. (And just a quick side-bar: back to the “chubby” thing, when we became friends Jason was actually reallllly fit, I’m talking buff as can be. I couldn’t find the picture I took of how huge his arms are but I assure you, he’s sexy as hell.)

By the time Jason told me how he felt up-front, I was struggling between the feelings I’d started to have for him and the brokenness I felt inside after my breakup, I told him that I liked him.. I just wasn’t ready. That was the truth. We went from hanging out every day to not talking at all, which continued for two weeks. Eventually, I got sick of thinking about him all the time and missing him, I sat down to think through all of my feelings. I’d been falling in love with him all along, he meant everything to me, and I knew I wanted to be with him. So I told him that. I expected that he would be happy and that even if he needed a little time, we’d be together. I thought it would all work out like a fairy tale. I was wrong. Jason informed me that “after he saw that there was no chance” he had completely shut off all of his feelings for me; I didn’t even know what to do. I spent a whole day just sitting in my room. Not crying, not screaming- just sitting there, thinking and letting it all sink in. I agreed to still be friends but when we hung out, it was awkward. The flirting we’d ALWAYS done suddenly felt one-sided, I felt like absolute worthless shit and I needed it to stop. Therefore, I completely cut off our communication. So I’ve been living without my best friend for some time now… people always tell me that they thought we had a thing, that they had noticed us constantly flirting, that they were hoping we’d end up together. Still to this day, probably 2+ months later, people say these things to me and I don’t know how to respond. I’ve made several plans of things I could do to show him I care but they all seem pointless. When I agreed to hangout with him those last few times, he told me that there was a chance he could gain his feelings back but that he could guarantee anything. I didn’t see it turning around for me, all I could foresee was more pain.

Jase

Jason and I.

So two nights ago I called him. I walked away from my campsite and away from my friends, off into the cold. I sat down and I could still see/hear them having a good time by the fire as I heard his voice in my ear. I let everything out… I told him exactly how I feel about him. I don’t remember my exact words, but I told him that I miss him, that I regret not being with him, and that I want another chance. He told me the same thing he’d said before, he said he missed me and wants to be friends again but that he can’t guarantee that his feelings will come back. After I got off the phone I walked back and cried in my (male) friend’s arms. I didn’t say anything, I just bawled my eyes out and he held me and assured that he’d help me make it work. He said, “I always thought you guys were going to be together, I know you really like him and I think it will happen.” but I don’t believe him. Jason also said that he’s going to prom with his friend Ashley… I’m praying to God that they’re just friends. The next day he texted me and asked if I still wanted to start hanging out again and a few texts in he reminded me that he couldn’t guarantee anything. It upset me but I told him yes.

The most important part of this blog post is that I don’t have any idea what to do. Whenever I have an issue, I turn to you guys and I always get the answers I need. It’s amazing having people who don’t feel the need to sugarcoat things just to make me happy, it’s just pure honesty. So what should I do? Do you think I should hangout with him? Do you think I have a chance? Is it worth it? Should I play it cool or act like I truly like him? The only advice my friends have given me is to avoid the name Ethan all together, they think that he still likes me (which because I know him very well and know his past and such, I doubt) but that he was really hurt by me not being ready for another relationship. I just really need some help.

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10 thoughts on “We all need a little guidance sometimes.

  1. Eddie says:

    Ok so we need to step up then don’t we, lol no pressure or anything.
    First, argh, , I’d be horrified if anyone from real life read my blog, I know just how that must feel. Time to change blog hosts or names. I couldn’t keep mine where it was if I knew someone that was reading it.

    Jason eh, wow that’s tough isn’t it, I had to read that three or four times before I truly got the hang of this.
    This is a defining moment there’s no telling what might happen next, all you can do is make your own luck abs continue to be in the right places at all the right times to make the best chance of success. That means every hang out opportunity you will be there, you can’t do much more than that. He’s said he’s already said he’s switched off those thoughts about you and said it again after you’ve opened up to him. As a guy I can guarantee that you can’t every truly switch off those thoughts they are always there deep down, I think he realizes this after what you said and he’s protecting himself now. Perhaps he’s already shed some tears over you that he’s kept hidden and isn’t in a hurry to do that again.
    If I were you I would be around him as much as possible and see if he starts to get closer in that way, you can’t do any more than that you’ve told him how it is for you. Any more would make it look desperate or clingy and that won’t help. Show him the sort of girlfriend you would be, he won’t be able to ignore it. The rest is in his hands alone im afraid.
    Definitely go there if you have the chance to, even if it comes to nothing it’s better to know than not know.
    I had a girl I always loved when I was a student, everyone said we were the perfect couple even though we never were a couple. Circumstances kept us apart and we lost touch more than a decade ago. I would give ANYTHING to go back in time and try to make that work but the truth was I broke my own heart when I didn’t make it happen at the time. That chance I’ll always regret, so don’t regret something you did. You’ll always regret not taking that chance I can guarantee.
    Good luck, I hope it turns out well for you.
    Eddie xxx

    • justonegirl says:

      Thank you so much for your advice. I really, really want this to work but I’m so scared to hangout with him. For one, I don’t want to initiate hanging out because I don’t want to seem desperate or anything. I feel like it’s going to be so awkward since we haven’t even talked for a long time but maybe I’m just worrying for nothing. I just hope that thinks get back to how they used to be, I miss him and I want to start a long-lasting relationship here with someone who was my best friend for so long. I love that my family likes him, he used to just walk in my house and tell my parents he loves them and he’d stay during fights with them. He made everyone laugh. I miss it.

      • Eddie says:

        OK well don’t give up or stop talking to him. Instead of initiating hangouts just tell him where you’re going to be whenever you go out, just put it out there and say no more. If he’s interested he’ll either appear there out of the blue or say something like “I was thinking of going there too”, then he can show his interest without you having to sound desperate. If he doesn’t go for this ask him where he thinks is cool to go, he might suggest somewhere then offer to come along and show you etc. As long as you stay on his radar something will happen sooner or later.
        Just stay in his world even if all you do is talk lightly. The worst thing would be if you stopped communicating so if you have to initate online small talk then do that, anything to keep the connection alive.
        Good luck.
        Eddie xx

  2. Eddie says:

    Also, your friends have noticed that there’s chemistry between you, you feel it and he definitely feels it too. There’s no doubt whatsoever that he’s considering going into a relationship with you, whether he acts on that is another matter.
    Use your charms, you’re pretty, you’re fun to be with, touch him often, his hand, his arm, his hair, nudge him as you walk together, smile whenever he looks at you. How can he say no.
    Ok enough lol.

  3. Eddie says:

    Someone else had better say something here or I’m going to keep going.
    Just saying, cmon readers give something back eh 🙂

  4. Karly Donesa says:

    Nice blog you have here. 😀

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