Tag Archives: love

The day the wonderland collapsed around Alice

Alice suddenly found herself smiling at a text message and looked up to see if anyone had noticed; she took solace that, for once, the fact that no one paid her much attention had actually shown benefits. She had been texting a boy for a few days, knowing that it would likely never go anywhere and strangely not knowing whether or not she wanted it to. It had been about a week since Joel had talked to her, but she wasn’t going to let it bring her down. He was with Madison and had never really shown much interest, so she attempted to brush him off by texting this new boy. She finally allowed herself to stop thinking about his perfect black hair, sexy lip ring, and the way he laughed whenever she tried to make a joke, most people didn’t find her as funny as he seemed to and she enjoyed that attention. She typed back, dreading the fact that once he fell asleep she would go right back to reminiscing about the strong friendship she’d developed with Joel, she’d replay the memories in her head for the hundredth time, she’d remember his kiss with Madison the very day she’d planned to tell him how she felt, and, worst of all, she’d remember the way her tears tasted that evening. It was going to be a long night.

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Experimenting with point-of-view

One day in my shoes and you’d know that something is missing, one day within the confines of my mind and you’d know exactly what that missing piece is.

Ever since the day I had allowed her to walk out of my life, or rather I pushed her out of it, I had been so lonely. Without her, who was I to confide my deepest thoughts, feelings, and problems to? Who was I supposed to run to when things in my life got difficult? Some may say my parents, but they had proven to be unhelpful. My mother tried to listen, but she had too many other things to deal with that my childish problems seemed obsolete and my father had never been one for feelings. Occasionally, I would turn to my friends, but they only ever wanted wanted to talk about drugs or brag about all of their sexual conquests. To be honest, I often question the validity of such stories because I’ve seen Randy talk to girls before and it had never gone well; he expected us to feel that when no one was around he was a natural with the fairer sex. I’m not buying it.

The last day of school I told my mom I was sick when, in reality, I wasn’t looking forward to saying goodbye to the girl who still had my heart. I know she thinks I don’t love her anymore, but that’s all a front. I act as if she is nothing but the dirt beneath my feet, little does she know she’s every song on my favorite playlist that constantly plays through my headphones every day a school, she’s the doodles on the corners of my assignments, and she’s the images and “what it” fantasies my mind plays for me at night. Every time I see her it’s as if my heart has been run over, but it’s behind the wheel. What a tragedy that I had the nerve to think I was too good for that girl or that we were in some way boring or void of passion. I was crazy and, for that, I must pay the ultimate price of watching her make some other man’s dreams come true…

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I wrote an essay for class, I’d like to share it.

We Learn To Get By If We Learn To Have Scars

            Guitarist and vocalist Tom DeLonge accurately described what music means to me when he said, “music is good when it makes you dance but music is great when it makes you who you are.” Some of my first memories are singing and dancing around with my mom to the sounds that always seemed to fill our house. After my parents’ divorce my mom was distraught but it would always make her smile return to play Pink albums and rock out in the kitchen; those were some of my favorite nights growing up.

            When high school began I had a plethora of friends and always seemed to be on the move with a grin upon my face. During my transition from junior high and striving to become one of the elite “popular” kids, my school work suffered greatly which is when I first started to feel the depression setting in, I would have weeks at a time where I didn’t feel up to getting out of bed and days where I wouldn’t talk to anyone. Because I had allowed myself to fall behind, I lost hope in my intelligence. I stopped trying in school altogether after a while and decided that I wasn’t cut out for college, I had no idea what the future had in store for me but I was certainly dreading it.

            My sophomore year was an eye opener for me academically as I was enrolled in a program for kids who weren’t living up to their potential. I was really upset about joining a class of nineteen other kids and being isolated from the rest of my high school for the year, but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I started to get the grades my family always told me I could get, I was blessed with the opportunity to tutor a class of first graders at a local elementary, and I was happy again. That is until everything fell apart.

            As my junior year began my good friend invited me to go to a movie with her and one of her newer guy friends because she “didn’t want him to think it was a date.” So I went, of course! When I got to the movie and saw her friend, I thought he was cute but then I got the chance to talk to him; he was so funny, I couldn’t stop laughing, and he was also extremely intelligent. I asked my friend if she was sure she didn’t like him as more than a friend and when she said she was sure, I asked her to hook me up with him. That night I went so far as to tell my mom about how great this guy was; he seemed too good to be true. At a sleepover that night she began talking with another of our friends and was talked in to calling this guy. They talked for a long time and it was clear that she had changed her mind about him. I was upset but I figured since he liked her and not me, it would be okay. I decided to be happy for her instead of angry about it.

            About two weeks after they started dating, he began talking to me and it slipped that I had kind of liked him when I met him and he told me that he felt the same; it felt awkward knowing that I had this crush on my best friend’s boyfriend but I couldn’t shake it. When he broke up with her after a month, she had her mind made up to get him back but I began talking to him more and more. My friends all thought I was flirting with him, which I really wasn’t trying to do at all, and became mad at me. It was like seven girls verses me (the odds weren’t in my favor). That’s how I lost my entire group of friends in one fell swoop. Since I figured I had nothing to lose and on the advice of my mother, I began dating that boy. I began to receive tweets, Facebook messages, and texts about how horrible of a person I was and how much they hated me, all from my so called “friends.”

            I had never entirely felt like I fit in anywhere and, without my friends, I was lost. I felt that same hopelessness I had during my intellectual struggles, only this time it was worse; the emptiness didn’t go away after a few weeks, it stuck with me. I went from being a happy girl smiling and talking to everyone I passed in the hallway to keeping my head down and going straight from class to class. Since school work was all I had, I threw myself into it. On top of the depression, my anxiety was at an all-time high, it became hard for me to do everyday things such as go to the movie theatre or going out to eat with my family. I was always worried about what others would think of me, my self-esteem had been absolutely shattered.  

            On a vacation to Georgia the summer before my senior year I decided to listen to a song I had always enjoyed as a child, First Date by Blink-182. I then created a Pandora station around the band and listened to it almost constantly. I finally began to feel like myself again, when their voices were in my ears it was like life made sense to me again. I no longer questioned if it were worth it to get out of bed in the morning because I knew that when I got to school I could put in my headphones and drown out the people around me. In a time when I had no friends, I had made new ones: Tom DeLonge, Mark Hoppus, and Travis Barker kept me company whenever I was lonely and they never turned their backs on me.

            Music had always been a part of my family’s culture but the musicians had never spoken to me quite like they did, I never felt as if I knew the people behind the lyrics and I had never thought that I could turn to celebrities for solace. It was almost magical the way a horrible day could be transformed by pressing play on my phone. This weekend, my birthday weekend, I am fortunate enough to see my best friends preform live in Chicago. While they have no idea who I am, and most-likely never will, they made all the difference for me and for so many other depressed, anxious teenagers around the world. I recently formed an Instagram page dedicated to my favorite band and the amount of people who went through things similar to my experiences is crazy, so many young people depend on Blink to brighten their days. Some people were considering suicide before they found this music. I finally do belong somewhere, I finally have a community of people just like me. Blink has given me the gift of happiness and purpose, they truly have changed my life for the better.

 

*** Honest feedback appreciated and desired!***            

 

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Fate.

As you could probably infer, today I’m going to tell you a little story about fate. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The hard part of this theory for some people is that some things you don’t know the reason or maybe you just won’t understand until later. I’ve put a lot of things together lately which is beautiful to me, and I’d like to share some of it.
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A Huge Part of My Life.al

No, I’m not talking about my family, friends, boys, or anything like that. I am talking about one of the biggest and most important parts of who I am, though… music. To some people music is a nice beat that makes the dance or something to jam out to in the car but to me it’s so much more. Music is my escape, my get away, my freedom; music is a way to express myself and, sometimes, lose myself. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve needed music to make myself stop crying, help me fall asleep, or just calm me down.

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Reflection.

Wow. I can’t believe it’s really coming to an end… I feel like my life is ending and a brand new one is about to begin. No one told me how much emotion, deep thoughts, and worrying come into play when you graduate from high school; they don’t tell you how bittersweet the whole thing is. I’ve basically checked out of school because I know I’m ready for summer but I don’t know if I’m ready to check out of my hometown and go away to college… I’m nervous. I know it’ll be a blast, and two of my cousins live nearby. The thing I’m really scared for is to leave this life behind… especially a few important people. My parents always say that they aren’t friends with any of their high school friends but I don’t want that to happen. This year I went through friends faster than any other period of my life, I had several “best friends” that were dropped for one reason or another, however I have two friends that have made it since 6th & 7th grade, they’re amazing and I don’t want to fall out of contact with them.. it’s actually a good thing that they’re staying in town for at least the first year of their educations, that means I can see them when I come home. There is one friend I’m worried about losing though, she’s become my very best friend over the past few months- she’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a best friend, the only person I’ve ever met with the same taste in music, she’s also the only friend I’ve ever had that was willing to lay it all on the line to have my back. I’m so lucky to have finally found someone with the characteristics I’ve always wanted in a friend, someone who honestly cares about me as much as I care about them; it’s a powerful feeling. I guess I’m scared that I’ll go away to college and leave them behind, maybe they won’t talk to me anymore and they’ll fade away ):

I’m also kind of scared to leave my parents. I can’t wait to be able to make my own decisions without having to text them every time I make a move. It’s annoying and I can’t wait until I can be spontaneous without having to tell them where I’ll be/ when I’ll be home. I will miss them though, I’ll miss seeing them whenever I want and telling them about my day. I just feel like I’m too young to leave home… even though I want to.

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We all need a little guidance sometimes.

Feel free to skip to the (*) unless you happen to be my grandparents or just enjoy an angry rant from time to time! (: 

I did something stupid two nights ago and, because my grandparents have decided that it’s okay to deny me any privacy (I found my blog up on their computer a few weeks ago which REALLY pissed me off), I’m afraid I can’t tell you the whole story. Before I begin, do you even know how upset I am that I opened my grandparents’ laptop only to see “Just One Girl” across the screen? I can’t communicate to you the feelings of violation, anger, sadness, and confusion I felt. There’s no way that they could have found my blog… there are a total of three people who I’ve ever allowed to see my blog. None of them would have any contact with my grandparents, so I have no idea how they found it. The thing that upsets me the most is that I made a Myspace and my mom demanded that I add her as a friend, I made a facebook and my entire family hopped on board even though I didn’t want to add any of them, then I started twitter (I was alone for awhile because it wasn’t popular yet but soon everyone was following me and my grandmother decided it was acceptable for her to stalk my profile and point out cussing, ect. to my mom -_-), and now a blog. I made this blog for ONE MAIN REASON, so I could finally vent my private thoughts to people who could give me advice that don’t actually know me or have any ties to my life. I’m irritated as FUCK (your welcome grandma) that my privacy has been FUCKING taken from me. All I wanted was one FUCKING GOD DAMN place to vent, get advice, and talk about my life without my family or peers knowing about it. 

*Anyways, back to the original point of my post. My friends and I went camping for spring break. I ended up calling my ex-bestfriend Jason… I know I shouldn’t have, but I did.

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Personify, my love.

I used to believe in Love, then one day I refused to allow it the honor of placement in my mind. People around me would be searching for another person to fill a void that they thought only this strange concept of “Love” would fill. Then, one day, I met someone who changed my mind and I began to believe in that concept just as everyone else around me did. I felt it; I enjoyed its magic, I indulged in its warmth, I made myself comfortable in its presence. That was my tragic error, the single action that really led to my demise.. I was so comfortable with Love, I so deeply ingrained that word and the things that came with it into who I was, I told people that I was in love and I knew that my lips were speaking the truth of my heart.

Twice before had I felt that word creeping into my life, attempting to steal the ground from beneath my awkwardly positioned feet. Twice before I had become overwhelmingly frightened. The word would call upon its meaning to assassinate me, to come after me to poison my emotions. However, those other times the word lost track of me as I continued to hide from it, running so much faster than it could. You see, without my thoughts and emotions to feed on, the word had no power; it was slow, fragile, and weak.

This time it managed to hold my attention just long enough. I began to trust it, but that only helped it to grow. It became a bigger monster everyday, though I felt no harm- I thought Love wanted me to be happy. Love took me in, made me feel at ease then struck like a cobra, ripping away everything I thought I knew. It teased me once I was injured, it continued to stand above me as it laughed. With each tear I shed, it only became louder.

That’s why I no longer believe in Love, though everyone says it has some kind of healing powers. Just wait until Love trips them and steals away their joy, as it did to me. I wonder how many of them will still enjoy its company once they’re bleeding on the cold, hard ground.

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Answers.

I got bored and decided to do a survey, now you can learn a little more about me! Then, copy it and do it on your blogs too!

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The Fifth of February.

I woke up this morning and fought with myself to get out of bed; when I finally managed to keep my eyes open, I turned to look at the clock “2/5” was all I saw. I cringed and couldn’t move… It’s the fifth of February. As I gained a more steady level of consciousness I was able to get ready and head off to school, just like any other Tuesday. I went through my entire day feelings slightly distracted and off-task, I couldn’t fully concentrate on any of my school work or even conversations with other students. One of my friends was talking to me second period (free period) and I just had to keep asking her to repeat herself; I couldn’t hear her at times and when I could it was a blur of words, all smudged together.

Then I got home and decided I should deal with my problem instead of trying not to think about it. Today is the fifth of February, which would be Ethan and I’s one year, had we not broken up a few months ago. I sat down on my couch and began to talk, out loud, through how I was feeling and what I’d been thinking. The more I talked, the better I felt, and, thus, my smile grew bigger. This would be our one year but it isn’t, it isn’t our one year because we broke up, and we broke up because we weren’t right for each other. For whatever reason the universe decided that we shouldn’t be together any longer, our relationship had run its course- it’s over now. I realized that the past two weeks of regret and thinking about things that I can never change aren’t helping anyone, especially me. I’ve been through break ups before- two that I would put in this same basic category. It’s true that I loved Ethan on a different level than the other two guys, but it hurt just as badly. A few months after each of those break ups I got really sad and couldn’t keep it all off my mind… but then I would get over and find another guy.

After Brad I told people I would never love again and that he was “the one.” Then after awhile I got over it and realized he wasn’t worth my time. Eventually, I met Jon. He was my first love, I can’t lie about that fact- he was amazing, we were so similar, and I loved him. But guess what? We broke up and I moved on! I met Ethan after a few short-lived, unsuccessful relationships a little over a year after Jon and I broke up. What does that say? There will be a next guy, an amazing one who will sweep me off my feet. With each of those guys things got slightly more serious and I loved them more. I can’t wait to meet the next guy- possibly in college next year. There’s no need to be sad when your life is as good as mine is, especially with me spending less time on social networking/ texting and my grades higher than ever, I’m feeling great! No one can hold me down or keep me from happiness.

It’s the fifth of February, just another Tuesday in the life of a young girl with a bright future ahead of her.

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