Tag Archives: relationship

Experimenting with point-of-view

One day in my shoes and you’d know that something is missing, one day within the confines of my mind and you’d know exactly what that missing piece is.

Ever since the day I had allowed her to walk out of my life, or rather I pushed her out of it, I had been so lonely. Without her, who was I to confide my deepest thoughts, feelings, and problems to? Who was I supposed to run to when things in my life got difficult? Some may say my parents, but they had proven to be unhelpful. My mother tried to listen, but she had too many other things to deal with that my childish problems seemed obsolete and my father had never been one for feelings. Occasionally, I would turn to my friends, but they only ever wanted wanted to talk about drugs or brag about all of their sexual conquests. To be honest, I often question the validity of such stories because I’ve seen Randy talk to girls before and it had never gone well; he expected us to feel that when no one was around he was a natural with the fairer sex. I’m not buying it.

The last day of school I told my mom I was sick when, in reality, I wasn’t looking forward to saying goodbye to the girl who still had my heart. I know she thinks I don’t love her anymore, but that’s all a front. I act as if she is nothing but the dirt beneath my feet, little does she know she’s every song on my favorite playlist that constantly plays through my headphones every day a school, she’s the doodles on the corners of my assignments, and she’s the images and “what it” fantasies my mind plays for me at night. Every time I see her it’s as if my heart has been run over, but it’s behind the wheel. What a tragedy that I had the nerve to think I was too good for that girl or that we were in some way boring or void of passion. I was crazy and, for that, I must pay the ultimate price of watching her make some other man’s dreams come true…

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Blue.

In one of my classes my teacher told us that we were going to do some personality quizzes, which I didn’t mind because it’s kind of like a more accurate Tiger Beat quiz. Remember Tiger Beat? I used to love flipping through those pages, skmiming through the gossip, and stopping at every little test there was. So my teacher laid a paper down on my desk; it asked me what I usually talk about, what I like in conversations, ect. When I was finished all that was left to do was add up my points. The test told me that I had blue communication, as opposed to gold, orange, or green.

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We all need a little guidance sometimes.

Feel free to skip to the (*) unless you happen to be my grandparents or just enjoy an angry rant from time to time! (: 

I did something stupid two nights ago and, because my grandparents have decided that it’s okay to deny me any privacy (I found my blog up on their computer a few weeks ago which REALLY pissed me off), I’m afraid I can’t tell you the whole story. Before I begin, do you even know how upset I am that I opened my grandparents’ laptop only to see “Just One Girl” across the screen? I can’t communicate to you the feelings of violation, anger, sadness, and confusion I felt. There’s no way that they could have found my blog… there are a total of three people who I’ve ever allowed to see my blog. None of them would have any contact with my grandparents, so I have no idea how they found it. The thing that upsets me the most is that I made a Myspace and my mom demanded that I add her as a friend, I made a facebook and my entire family hopped on board even though I didn’t want to add any of them, then I started twitter (I was alone for awhile because it wasn’t popular yet but soon everyone was following me and my grandmother decided it was acceptable for her to stalk my profile and point out cussing, ect. to my mom -_-), and now a blog. I made this blog for ONE MAIN REASON, so I could finally vent my private thoughts to people who could give me advice that don’t actually know me or have any ties to my life. I’m irritated as FUCK (your welcome grandma) that my privacy has been FUCKING taken from me. All I wanted was one FUCKING GOD DAMN place to vent, get advice, and talk about my life without my family or peers knowing about it. 

*Anyways, back to the original point of my post. My friends and I went camping for spring break. I ended up calling my ex-bestfriend Jason… I know I shouldn’t have, but I did.

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If you love something, let it go.

I posted all about my weekend already, I told all of you how awesome it was. I spent time with my mom, I touched Luke Bryan; it was the perfect weekend. Sunday night I went to bed really early and woke up Monday refreshed and ready to go, Tuesday I went to an awesome hockey game with some friends, the rest of my week was just great thing after great thing. This morning a girl in my first period class who I only talk to from time to time brought me a doughnut to school… like, honestly, it was the best week ever! So I’m wondering… why is it that the only thing on my mind is Ethan, AGAIN? It’s like I get completely over him for two weeks, then I have a relapse for a few days. I hate it. 

I’m watching How I Met Your Mother right now, in the episode I finished watching just before logging on to WordPress, Barney tells Robin that he wants them to break up with their current significant others to get back together. Barney goes to Nora’s to break up with her and her parents are there, so he finally gets to meet them. Her dad says, “When you meet the right person, you know it. You can’t stop thinking about them. They’re your best friend, and your soulmate. You can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with them. No one and nothing else can compare.” Barney goes through memories of Robin as he listens because he knows that she’s his soulmate, he loves her. Robin, on the other hand, acts as if she’s going to do it but Kevin tells her that he loves her so she decides to stay with him. Barney had told Robin that they would each do what they have to do and meet at the bar at midnight but she brings Kevin with her. Barney looks at her as she shakes her head “no” and time stops for him; you can see in that moment more than any other that he truly is in love with her. 

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The Fifth of February.

I woke up this morning and fought with myself to get out of bed; when I finally managed to keep my eyes open, I turned to look at the clock “2/5” was all I saw. I cringed and couldn’t move… It’s the fifth of February. As I gained a more steady level of consciousness I was able to get ready and head off to school, just like any other Tuesday. I went through my entire day feelings slightly distracted and off-task, I couldn’t fully concentrate on any of my school work or even conversations with other students. One of my friends was talking to me second period (free period) and I just had to keep asking her to repeat herself; I couldn’t hear her at times and when I could it was a blur of words, all smudged together.

Then I got home and decided I should deal with my problem instead of trying not to think about it. Today is the fifth of February, which would be Ethan and I’s one year, had we not broken up a few months ago. I sat down on my couch and began to talk, out loud, through how I was feeling and what I’d been thinking. The more I talked, the better I felt, and, thus, my smile grew bigger. This would be our one year but it isn’t, it isn’t our one year because we broke up, and we broke up because we weren’t right for each other. For whatever reason the universe decided that we shouldn’t be together any longer, our relationship had run its course- it’s over now. I realized that the past two weeks of regret and thinking about things that I can never change aren’t helping anyone, especially me. I’ve been through break ups before- two that I would put in this same basic category. It’s true that I loved Ethan on a different level than the other two guys, but it hurt just as badly. A few months after each of those break ups I got really sad and couldn’t keep it all off my mind… but then I would get over and find another guy.

After Brad I told people I would never love again and that he was “the one.” Then after awhile I got over it and realized he wasn’t worth my time. Eventually, I met Jon. He was my first love, I can’t lie about that fact- he was amazing, we were so similar, and I loved him. But guess what? We broke up and I moved on! I met Ethan after a few short-lived, unsuccessful relationships a little over a year after Jon and I broke up. What does that say? There will be a next guy, an amazing one who will sweep me off my feet. With each of those guys things got slightly more serious and I loved them more. I can’t wait to meet the next guy- possibly in college next year. There’s no need to be sad when your life is as good as mine is, especially with me spending less time on social networking/ texting and my grades higher than ever, I’m feeling great! No one can hold me down or keep me from happiness.

It’s the fifth of February, just another Tuesday in the life of a young girl with a bright future ahead of her.

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♪ It’s like I just stepped outside when everything was going right ♫

Lyrics to an amazing Blake Shelton song as my title. If you don’t know this song, look it up- it’s called Home. Whenever I am in a bad mood or even just thinking too much, I turn to this; no matter what the situation may be, it almost always seems to relate. Last year when I lost all of my friends, this song made me cry… but it was a good, healthy cry. It was the kind of cry that I really needed and Blake forced it out of me. Now that two of those girls still aren’t my friends, it doesn’t phase me. I just don’t care anymore, party because this song helped me get it all out and begin to see past it. This year I don’t have that same problem, it’s quite a different one- yet, somehow similar.

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Deep.

Tonight I decided to look through my old messages on myspace and all of my old wall posts and such. I can’t even believe how much my life has changed in the past four or five years. I was reading my messages with my boyfriend from 8th grade, Brad, and I honestly couldn’t stop laughing. All of the messages were like “I love you so much, I want to marry you someday” and then we’d break up and it’d be like “I hate you” then, magically, go back to “I love you” again. I remember back then I really thought we were meant to be but now, looking back, we were only like thirteen years old. I still know Brad, actually, we’ve had an interesting past but now I can walk by him and not feel anything. These messages made me think a lot because in eighth grade I didn’t know I would date a guy named Jon for five months or a guy named Ethan for eight. I didn’t even know who Ethan was. Crazy, right? That all makes me hopeful for college next year because who know who I’ll meet? Maybe my next boyfriend really will be “the one” that I thought Brad was. Who knows? The future is wide open, my book isn’t even half way over. (: 

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Much Needed Venting.

There was a break up, right? All of you know that by now, I’ve done more than enough rambling, complaining, crying, and accepting of that on this blog. I’m sure by now you may have seen the words “break up” and bailed- I probably would have. But, alas, this isn’t about the break up itself (sorry for using that rotten ‘B’ word again) I’m about to tell you about the moving on aspect… because, let’s all face it, that’s the real problem.

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Merry Ex-mas.

Honestly, if your name is Ethan, stop reading this now. I’m serious; close out of it and just move on with your life, though I’m not sure why you’re still checking in on me anyways. Normally I wouldn’t care if you read my posts, I have nothing to hide, but this is one of those days I’ve experienced many times before. In the past it’s been about different guys, other exes, and a similar, yet different situation. I’ve gone through it with Brad, Jon, even Chris… so now it’s your turn.

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